County 'till I Die

elmatt @ 2005-10-05T01:48:00

2005-10-05T01:03:32Z

Well, hasnt it been an absolute age since I was here. Lets skip the boring bits where I had no job for 2 months, and when my computer broke for 6 weeks, and get straight to why I've resurrected this place. I finally made it to Uni.

Its Tuesday Night/Wednesday Morning now, and already so much has happened. Lets go through chronologically:

Saturday: We stayed in Blackpool overnight (where I won a winnie the pooh teddy) and I wanted to get set off for Lancaster really early. I wanted to make good time and I'm glad I did, because about an hour after I arrived, the queue to pick up keys was over 2 hours long. Moving the stuff from car to room was a nightmare but thankfully I got sorted and met the folks on my corridor (which, sucks for me, is all male). Adam, in the room opposite, is quite smart and not the most overly outgoing of people, reminds me a lot of how Mickey Riddle used to be, and also is very camp. People kept telling me, "he's eccentric isnt he?" Nice Uni slang for gay. Pete in the room to my right is cool, a particular hit with the women and also seems to know loads of people too, as he lived quite close. Chris is a really shy person and has the most boring, monotonous voice known to man, but give him a drink and the mans the life of the party. His best side definitely comes out with a drink. Then there are the 2 Americans, Shane and Ryan. Shane is a typical Yank - loud, brash and obnoxious. He's smart, funny and very politically motivated, but he has to be the centre of all attention. Ryan is a big bear of a person but is really quiet and keeps himself to himself. Finally theres Mike, who turned up on Sunday, who is without doubt the coolest person on the floor. He's like this maniacal, crazy scouse genius. He's completely random, absolutely insane but hilariously funny and stupidly smart to boot. He plays 11 instruments, including the banjo, fiddle and bagpipes.

I'm known to be quite a reserved kind of person. I don't go out of my way to meet people, because I'm inherently shy and afraid of the awkward conversations that inevitably follow once you've found out who they are, where theyre from and what theyre studying. I also don't really drink all too much. I found out my limit with the infamous vodka incident at a halloween party when i was 16, and Ive not really tested myself since. Man did I blow that out of the water on Saturday. I drank far too much, mainly to limit my boredom as I got lumbered with Adam and Chris, who are just like me when it comes to being not that outgoing (which, by default, must mean I bore them too). The night was pretty lame but I was getting trashed anyway, until I met up with these second years who just took me under their wing. I have no idea the ginger ones name, but the girl was Monica (I think) and my night just got better and better, and we all ended up singing songs round the tree at 1am...which has now happened every night of the week.

The rest of my week will be put in in more posts so the two of you who read this dont have to sit through a book at once. But heres a little song I know...

Countys fuckin magic, it wears a magic hat
And when I saw the County, I said I'm havin that
I didnt choose the Grizedale or Pendle cos theyre shite
But I chose the County cos its fuckin dynamite

Thank you and goodnight.

elmatt @ 2005-07-14T00:17:00

2005-07-13T23:32:13Z

I had a meeting at work with the gruesome twosome (Andrew and Rachel) and two things came up in it. First, as i've said for a while, I'm really worried that leaving at the end of July is gonna screw me for temp work, as most places have already sorted theirs out. I need to sort out work for August and the later I can do it, the harder things will be. This really, really worries me. The second thing is that its become plainly obvious to them that I no longer have the heart, the enthusiasm or the effort for this job. Given that i've handed my notice in, I'm just going through the motions, rebooking what i need to, doing what i need to, but generally not putting in any extra effort that needs to be there as part of a sales team (I personally dont think its any different to how I always was...which explains a lot). But yeah, at the moment i do go in with a shitty mindset, eager to just get the day out of the way and i dont care anymore. They know this, and while they realise its inevitable as i'm leaving, they also realise im part of a sales team who's overall target relies on all people doing their best...one of which is me. Effectively, 2 people are doing good and 1 doesnt care, and that 1 is holding back the other 2.

So, in a rather good compromise, theyre allowing me to leave this friday, but theyre still going to pay me for the whole 4 weeks notice. So theyre giving me a 2 week headstart on what I thought i'd have to get temp work, theyre still going to pay me for those 2 weeks, and for them, their sales team can get ahead without a distraction of me being there, not putting in the effort they need.

I've talked things over with Kelv and Emily and its all cool there, they realise whats going on and they realise i've not enjoyed the actual job (while i do enjoy being there), but they also know its best for both them and me if I leave sooner rather than later. I dont want to leave under a cloud, at the end of July, with them being thankful for me finally going, so their sales team can get on. While im sure thats going to be part of the reaction anyway, i'm still leaving on good terms with everyone and they know this is something I have to do to benefit me aswell.

I cannot understate just how much of a difficult job that is. I've said it before, i'll say it again. You're either born a salesperson, or you arent. There is no middle ground. You've got to have a certain character in that job and those 2 have it in abundance, and I dont. I dont have the energy or the enthusiasm to hit another meaningless target, and I'd rather have a job where I can feel happy with what i've done and not like i'm ripping someone off. Emily and Kelv are great at their jobs and well done to them, they'll always do well and always make a fair chunk of bonus, but they enjoy it - I didn't. It's been a sharp learning experience for me, its taught me a lot about myself, what I can and cant do, and what I want to do in the future.

And its looking likely I'm going to Lancaster. I'd say i'm about 75% certain.

Peace.

elmatt @ 2005-07-12T23:12:00

2005-07-12T22:13:19Z

You people are all fucking mental...

elmatt @ 2005-07-10T01:53:00

2005-07-10T01:24:36Z

So, I was growing off Royal Holloway anyway for one reason or another. With the social side of things being pretty important to me, I needed to go somewhere that has what I'm looking for: ie. some live music near by, ideally a football club nearby, and somewhere nicely sized. Unfortunately, Egham is like Wymondham but duller (if thats possible), theres no live music unless you want to go closer into London, and the same goes for nightlife and football. As an academic place, its a very good choice, but today I discovered something.

At the moment, I have a Conditional Offer from Hull (the condition being I send them proof of my results; the problem being I dont know where my certificates are), and an Unconditional Offer from Lancaster. Both good uni's academically, but will less prestigious reputations than RH. RH wants ABB/BBB. Hull and Lancaster want BBC. I was looking at the 2004 University League tables today and, to my surprise, I actually saw Lancaster and RH were tied 25th, with my own local UEA in 20th, and Hull in 32nd. So two universities equally good when comparing the whole experience (Academic, Research, Social, Living Costs etc)...one flat out refuses me and one welcomes me with open arms. Funny how some people make up their minds. In the end, I'm still yet to decide where to go, but given that I'm no longer keen on the UEA, it looks like I have a simple choice between Hull and Lancaster.

In other Uni related news, I was sifting through loads of my stuff to sort out what I'm going to take and what not. I'm going to sell half/most of my DVD's, partly to raise cash, partly cos I never watch them anymore. I think the only ones I'm going to bother holding onto are my Godfather Boxset, Family Guy Boxsets, Star Wars Trilogy and a couple of the other classics, i.e. Pulp Fiction, Shawshank, Snatch. I'll end up selling about 50 I think. I also found a massive CD wallet with 32 CD's i previously thought I lost, which has brightened my day. Finally have my Greenday, White Stripes, Foo Fighters, Longview and Smashing Pumpkins albums, among others. Need one more wallet to fit in all my cd's (of which I never realised I had so many). I've decided to sell my guitars too, and I split my clothes into ones I just got for work and dont want to keep, and my jeans/tshirts that i wear regularly (even found my Jim Morrison tee). Need to get all this sorted sharpish to find out if im going to need any storage space or anything while I'm away.

I officially finish work on the 29th of this month meaning I desperately need to find work for August. I cant wait to get out of that spirit crushing place. I'm losing the will to do anything, and people at work are realising that. I had a really good chat with Andrew and Rachel last monday to get things sorted. It's as i've been saying, you're either a salesman or you arent, and you need a very thickskin and good moneygrabbing instinct to get by in that job, and thats just not me. Fairplay to people who do it, I couldnt. There are people who can do that job a helluva lot better than me and as they're recruiting at the moment anyway, they're going to replace me sooner rather than later, which I'm annoyed with in one respect because I have to search for work again, but knew it was coming and respect that, but also pleased to be going. Its a nice place to work, and I enjoy the people there and so on. But the job I hate. I really do.

I turn 20 in about 2 and a half weeks, which I'm...unfazed about. I expect dad and mum will get me something uni related, although in honesty some cash wouldnt go amiss at the moment. But I hate that. Its my birthday, so pay a bill? Nah. I dont know what to do for it either. I'm looking at doing a 20 pub crawl, following my 19 pub crawl last year, but we'll see. Its not cheap. I think thats the plan now, and it'd be nice to have a few other people along but, as is the story of my life, my social scene isnt exactly huge these days. I think i'll ask Emma and co. to join me for a leg of it, 3 or 4 pubs towards the end of the night (seeing as we'll be starting around middle of the afternoon).

I just need all this prep to get over and to get down to it. Month and a half to go. Wake me up when September .... starts.

Peace.

elmatt @ 2005-07-04T17:41:00

2005-07-04T17:02:24Z

I never thought I'd be in a position to actually be embarassed, or ashamed, to be in the job I am. Today, that happened. And its a perfect example of why a sales job is not for me.

The one thing I've never been comfortable with is the idea that I'm supposed to "sell up" to the customer. I'm supposed to give them more than they asked for, presenting it in a way that obviously benefits them, but in truth the only reason for it is to make a little bit more cash for the company. If someone wants a classified ad, try and give them a semi-display. If they want a display ad, offer them Early Week Repeat. It goes on. Give them more than they ask for, or need. Now i've never been entirely comfortable with this simply because these arent faceless corporations I'm dealing with. Half my customers are self employed builders, painters, carpet fitters. Why should I try and skin them for a little bit more money just so I can hit a target? Why should my entire work life be based around hitting a target, making more money and trying to take more from people who cannot afford it or dont need it.

Two examples happened today, atlhough neither are the reason I'm writing this. I'll get to that later. First of all, Kelvin was selling a large display ad to the Norfolk and Norwich Hospital. With big adverts, we usually cut out colour charging as that can add quite a lot more to it, as an incentive to get them to advertise. So a £1k add would stay £1k rather than going up to £1.3k, for example. This was the case with the N&N Hosp. On top of that, charities and the like are given a 25% discount. Kelvin applied neither to this case and got the maximum he could, even ignoring the Early Week Repeat rate and got 2 adverts, full colour, full price, when the Hospital could have been saved around a grand. Now in the grand scheme of things, a grand to such a large organisation didnt bother me that much, but it didnt exactly make me proud to be working as a salesman either. The other thing was Emily quoting some basic rates etc to a New Advertiser, again ignoring the Early Week Repeat rate (about a 55% discount) because she knew the guyw ouldnt kick up a fuss, and in the long run she can get more money out of him.

Now both of those instances happen regularly. Its encouraged. And rightly so. In a capitalist, target driven, sales based world, they're doing their jobs perfectly. But I cannot stand it...here's the clincher.

My very first customers there were Jason & Linda's Carpets, a local, home run carpet fitting place. They set up their business about 2 years ago and ever since I started talking to them theyve been saying how things are getting a bit too expensive and they might have to cut things down soon etc. They arent the smartest business people in the world, but theyre honest, hardworking and decent. They really tried to make a go of things, even when we bodged up, or things were tight, they really put everything into it. Today, Jason called me to tell me they'd folded. They'd been losing just far too much money and had no choice to pull out now before their posessions become liable for the debt. This knocked me quite a bit because I'd grown to know and like them. They were decent people, competing against established firms. When I told this to Simon and Kelvin (their previous contacts), they just laughed. Kelvin said its no surprise as they spend too much for a small firm and their advert was useless.

Simon <chuckling> : Well part of that might be my fault. How much do they spent a week at the moment?
Me: About £220.
Simon: Yeah, at their peak time, I had them going at about £800-£900, even though they couldnt really afford it. Its no surprise really. They aren't the sharpest tools in the shed.

Sorry...you're chuckling because you had them paying well over the odds to meet your target when you know it was crippling them in the long run? This isnt a national company. This isnt a faceless company. This is a local company, with 2 people I'd grown to know pretty well, who's livelihood has been taken away, and we can count ourselves as partially responsible, even though the ironic twist is that, ethically and morally, we behaved irresponsibly. No way.

That, selling up, shit is for the birds. Jason and Linda were good people who are now unemployed with a big debt and for you guys, its no problem because you hit target that month and got a nice £50 bonus. Well I hope that you enjoyed that bonus. I'd rather work somewhere where I could look myself in the eye and my conscience was clear. Fuck the, "the advertising is helping them" bullshit. There is no co-operation in this, no mutual wellbeing. Its one giant media corporation hitting a local business for 6. And its nothing I wish to be a part of any longer.

elmatt @ 2005-06-27T21:12:00

2005-06-27T20:13:25Z

And something else...another little thing for me to pass the time by. I'm going to review my entire DVD collection.

In the form of Haiku.

elmatt @ 2005-06-27T20:48:00

2005-06-27T19:49:40Z

So i've started a little competition with Deus. We're going to see who can learn the Driving Theory test better within a week. We both just took the test with no prior knowledge, lessons or revision. He got 25, I got 22. We have a week to learn and next monday will take the test again.

I will be King.

elmatt @ 2005-06-26T23:23:00

2005-06-26T22:23:40Z

Cos she's all lonely - x_nicki_x

elmatt @ 2005-06-25T23:48:00

2005-06-25T23:14:22Z

In the end, I found out a lot more about him than I already knew. It made me realise that, although he was my grandad, I didnt know him half as much as I'd have liked, or as he'd have liked I imagine. I never knew he was into motorbikes, and was a keen mechanic in his youth. I never knew anything about his family. I never knew exactly how old he was, I just knew it was early 80's. He was 83.

It was a really strange day. We arrived at 11am but the service wasnt until 3, and it really didnt hit home until then. In the week and a bit beforehand that I knew, I cried once. But it never hit home. Not until I walked out the front door and, to my shock, saw a funeral procession waiting for us. The lead car with his coffin, then two cars for the family. Only then did it sink in. Travelling on the 20 minute route through Wolverhampton, it passed in a flash. I always remember when I see processions like that in the streets. I always stand respectfully as they pass. Your attention cant help but be drawn to it. Now it was me inside it, and peoples attentions were on us.

On the way my dad told me that Grandads wedding ring had been given to him, and he was passing it to Simon. Then, after his ashes have been scattered, Grandma is giving her wedding ring to Dad and he's passing it along to me. This came as a bit of a surprise too. Its an honour I never really expected. In many ways, I cant help but feel overawed by it, slightly undeserving. For all these years, I knew I'd never been in touch as much as I should have, never tried as much as I could have. Now this heirloom is being passed onto me and I'm carrying it on. I cant help but feel a slight twinge of responsibility, but for what?

I had much more to say the day after it happened, but in the long run, I dont really feel the need to. Only a couple of things came out of the day that have had an impact on me. The fact I dont know my grandparents as much as I want to, which I intend to put right. The ring which will be passed to me. And the overbearing thought that kept running through my head all day, that one day, I'm going to have to bury my dad.

Now I've got that out of the way, I'll be posting more cheery things later on.

Adios.

elmatt @ 2005-06-21T23:39:00

2005-06-21T23:18:37Z

I'd post some inane stuff about how my day has been, but I don't feel its been particularly interesting enough to comment on. Yet strangely I want to post something. So, on the eve of the first funeral I'll have been to, I'm up for a little bit of self-analysation. About 2 months ago I posted my 10 Commandments for how I was going to change myself. Lets look how I'm doing:

Thou shalt not drink more than 1 bottle/can of coke per day. This can be forgotten about if out on the lash. - well this went out of the window after about 5 days. The other night, cleaning this room, I cleaned up 49 empty cans of the stuff, which had accumulated over the last 3 or so weeks.
Thou shalt spend 90 minutes a day, 3 days a week, exercising. Walking up the hill to work does not count. - This isnt being done, mainly because I'm lazy, and partly because I'm too skint to go to a Gym. I also dont think its wise to get a Gym membership if I'm not going to be in Norwich in 3 months time.
Thou shalt not order a pizza every other weekend. Once a month is just fine. - This one I do. I had a couple more when Dad was over because he paid, but I only order myself now once a month or so. I spend the excess tenner on something else equally random and useless.
Thou shalt not eat more than one packet of crisps per day. If you eat these with your lunch, tough shit. - Hmm, sometimes. It depends how restrained I feel at work. I mainly eat them when I'm bored, and at home, because there are none around, I wont pick at them, but I'm probably about 50/50 on this one.
Thou shalt have at least 2 pieces of fruit per day. Apple tango does not count. - This one I also do. Not that my guts appreciate it.
Thou shalt use your work discount to join a gym. Then you will actually go. - Yeah, so I'm still too skint, and as I said before, I might not even be in Norwich. A Uni Gym will also be cheaper, so I'm prepared to wait a few more months on this one.
Thou shalt not be on the net until the small hours when you have work in the morning. 12:30 is late enough. - Again, about 50/50. I started off very well, but it goes out the window after a while. Sleeping during the week isnt a big issue for me as I make it up at the weekend. But it cant harm when all I do at that time is sit in GE right?
Thou shalt not get up for work half an hour before you have to be there. Be prepared, be awake. - It's one I do, no problem. Makes me feel better at work too.
Thou shalt start eating breakfast. This does not mean a bag of crisps at work. Eat properly. - I do it when we have something to eat. If we have bread, or cereal, I'll do it. Otherwise I'll grab something high in saturated fats and cholesterol on the way to work.
Thou shalt not keep picking between meals. The only things allowable are fruit. - I cant say I do this, if only because apart from my work lunch, I dont have meals. I eat when I'm hungry/bored. And I'm bored quite a lot...

So thats 4 I do, 2 I'm about 50/50 with and the rest I dont do, for a variety of excuses. So I'm about 50% of the way to improving my life in a minor way. In honesty, theres only 2 parts of that which will make me feel better in the long term, and thats the Gym and Exercise thing. It's well known I have issues with my hamster cheeks, bitch tits and beer gut. I know if I had the will, the motivation, if I wasn't so lazy I could improve these things which make me feel so self conscious and uncomfortable. Its something I always plan to address. Once I've done <excuse>. As soon as I've finished 6th Form. As soon as I've got some money. As soon as pigs fly. Simple truth is I'm a lazy bastard that pisses and moans about something I'm too lazy to change. That, is an uncomfortable truth. And I'm not looking for the usual "but you're not fat matt!" comments my rantings always get. It is an uncomfortable truth, and the sooner I deal with it, the sooner I kick myself into gear, the more content I'll be.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. Looking over what I just wrote, it isnt rainbows and gumdrops. But on the whole, I'm content. I'm an optimistic person and I know things are going in the right direction, and I know in a couple of months my other issues will be addressed (see: lack of life). I'm the sort of person who cant set goals longer than a few months away because I just forget them. Not that I pay much attention in the first place, but now for example, I'm looking to September, and getting started at Uni. Thats my plan. Get settled at Uni and enjoy it. After that, who knows? "Its a dangerous business, going out your door. Before you know it, you never know where you've been swept off to."

My mum is 45 years old and, last week, she achieved one of her life's aims: to swim with dolphins. Today I saw the pictures and the video, and its amazing stuff. She's so happy with it, its one of those life changing experiences for her. It is for a lot of people. Is this what I should be aiming for? Not dolphins, but setting myself some goals? Isn't that a good yardstick to measure how things are going? Or is it the case, which I tend to lean towards, that you cant measure these things. You're either happy with your lot, content with what you've achieved or not. I said last year that my greatest fear is being in a rocking chair with nothing to say, having lived the rat race and gone through the motions. Nothing strikes me as being more boring. It comes around to impulsiveness in a way, which we all know I am.

In one month, I turn 20. That is all.

elmatt @ 2005-06-19T18:53:00

2005-06-19T17:56:43Z

Good lord, I click on the "Friends" part, and all I can see are quizzes. What is your Penis' name? What does your name mean? What Friends member are you? How much of a Chav are you? What type of kisser are you?

Who gives a fucking shit that theyre more like Chandler than Ross? Maybe I actually like to read whats going on for people, and not that theyre "part experimental kisser". I'm going to systematically remove anyone from my friends list who posts that bullshit now. My only worry is that it leaves me only with Deus.

elmatt @ 2005-06-19T00:10:00

2005-06-18T23:10:41Z

Congratulations

YOU'RE A STUPID CUNT!

I
HOPE
YOU
FUCKING
DIE
FOR
CLICKING
THAT
LINK

What kind of 20th Century Dictators right hand stooge are you? Click here to find out!

elmatt @ 2005-06-17T23:15:00

2005-06-17T22:44:22Z

Deus said something to me about two months ago which has had a stronger impact on me than I thought. It went something like this:

Me: So work was good. We hit target on the last day, the three of us. We made £95k between us, which is an achievement as two of us are new starters.
Deus: Not bad.
Me: Yeah. Got myself a £50 bonus for doing it too.
Deus: Lol. You help them get £95k and you get £50 for it. Thats capitalism for you.

Cast your minds foward now and I'm having a conversation with Graeme regarding his job:

Graeme: So I've been thinking. If, by the end of the year, I'm pulling in £96k a year for them. Thats pure profit. If I'm pulling in £96k a year for them, I think I'm gonna lay it on the table and go for £16k basic. I think thats fair.

Admittedly, I'm paraphrasing, but the jist is there. When you think about it, he's right. He'll be contributing that huge amount and asking for something actually quite small in return. But the chances of it happening are just so remote (although where he works, he has a better chance because theyre a smallish company that wont have any backup). But in general. Thats the way it goes doesnt it? You get paid the minimum amount possible to provide them with the maximum return possible, yet the whole time they dangle a carrot infront of you in the form of bonus' and commision to make you work that little bit harder, to make you think you're getting a good reward for the work you put in. When you think about it, you arent. That £50 just went on another bill for me. This huge profit for Archant just racks up and racks up and will provide Shareholders a nice little bonus.

I remember seeing once how if a corporation had to be defined in human terms, given its basic characteristics, the way it acts, treats people, acts morally and ethically, concern for its associates/environment and so on, it would be classed as a Sociopath. That says it all. All a company does is mercilessly rake in money. Build up the profits while keeping expenses low. Its the crux of capitalism. Given my recent job experiences, and some things I've picked up the last few years, capitalism pisses me off. Aside from my pseudo-idolisation of Che Guevara (for ideological reasons, not his tendency to execute prisoners without trial etc), the capitalist system is something thrown on us from Day 1 and we're supposed to buy into it. Like the American Dream. Its fair, its equal, it promotes self sufficiency, it helps growth, it helps trade, it builds economies etc. Its bollocks.

But its the only way we can survive, because Socialism falls on its ass whenever its presented. The fundamental flaw in socialism is that it assumes everyone thinks the same, that everyone wants the world to be a better place, that everyone wants to share the wealth and the productivity, that everyone wants to end world poverty, that no one is selfish and wants more than their fare share. Isnt that what Capisalism is about? Wanting more? Getting more? Greed is inbuilt from birth under this system.

Capitalism is a system that convinces us that we're supposed to run the rat race in order to get along, to move up in the world, to buy the latest gadget (of which I have many), to succeed. Its a system that says we should work certain days of the week and that our only time to ourselves is the weekend - from the moment we're in the real world we're (in most cases) boxed into a monday-friday job, and our reward for working this is paying us the lowest possible amount and giving us two days to relax. Capitalism is a system that helps the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, unless you really have the balls and the brains (which most dont have, together) to really work your way up through the system, play the game, read the rules and do as you're told.

Fuck that. I don't want to support a system that says I have to do this, work then, achieve this because its the right way. The right way, from a humanitarian perspective, from an environmental perspective, is to join together and tackle problems as a whole. Share the wealth. Help each other to help themselves. Forget greed, forget the next gadget, forget the next bonus or commission payment. Do something that helps the world, because in the long run, the world is a more pressing need than Sky TV. Unfortunately, this isnt the way of the world. The majority of people dont think that way for so many reasons, be it greed, be it ignorance, or simply it may be the American Dream. Its a disease of capitalism. For right or wrong reasons, and both apply, people think of themselves before the world. I know I'm guilty of this so many times. I just wish there was a choice.

elmatt @ 2005-06-17T00:49:00

2005-06-17T00:04:06Z

In a change from the scheduled post, what follows is a rant.

Not everyone in this world is going to like each other. A might like B and C, but B and C dont get along. Its life, it happens. What I dont fucking appreciate is C telling me how much of a twat B is, when they dont even know them. Several people criticise the fact I'm friends with someone, someone they only see one side of. They see a pompous, self riteous, arrogant, egotistical moron who rubs people up the wrong way. Thats fine. But that person is different when you know them. That person I know, and I like to think I know very well.

But just because some Tom, Dick and Harry, who hasnt taken the time to get to know them, who only sees the person they want to see, doesnt like them, does that mean I shouldnt like them? Why should I have to sit and every week, without fail, get someone saying, "Why are you friends with X?", "Why do you kiss X's ass?", and so on and so forth. Your opinion I can take, your views being shoved down my throat I cant. Jest all you want, but saying I "kiss X's ass" is going to get a rise out of me. This person is a friend, and just because I stick up for them when everyone else slates, that means I kiss their ass? People dont have to like, but I dont go telling other people who they should be friends with, and which of their friends are morons and should leave alone. Chances are, its because I dont know that person. So fucking stop telling me this person is a moron too.

I'm pissed off because of how this has come across to someone else. Apparently, I'm arsey with them because they dont like said person. No. I'm arsey because they dont like said person and insist on telling me this all the time, and informing me I'm wrong for liking them at any given opportunity. Joking or not, saying something which is designed to piss me off or get a rise out of me results in pissing me off and getting a rise out of me, and you're going to get the brunt end of it. I can handle a healthy discussion any day of the week, but when I've explained over and over my reasons, when I've asked 4 or 5 times to drop the subject, when i've made it clear that deliberately trying to piss me off over this will succeed...you're going to be sorry.

End of rant. The orinally scheduled post will be done tomorrow.

elmatt @ 2005-06-16T13:03:00

2005-06-16T12:37:49Z

It's shocking how much can change in such a short place of time. In the last two weeks, everything has changed so much that when mum called this morning having landed back in the country, I didnt know where to start.

I feel like I've found some direction, which in my case, as always, directs me only to a short term goal. University is an aim for me and then after that, I have no direction to take, no aim to follow. Get a well paid job, enjoy myself, but not in that order. With myself focussed on that, I know what to do with myself. I know what I need to sort, I know what forms I need to fill out, I know who's fingers I need to break because they arent returning my phonecalls regarding a reference. But ultimately I'm an aimless sort of person. I cant get enthused about something unless I actually enjoy doing it. If i dont enjoy it, the standard at which I do it slips. Gotta love a nice healthy dose of apathy.

The news regarding my Grandad was hard to take. He was the Grandparent I got along with the best, he was so laid back. I have a particularly nice photo of us two playing football when I was about 4. It was hard seeing him last time because the drop in his health was so evident. His final aim in life was to reach the age of 80. He was 83. The funeral is Wednesday, and I don't think ive been so apprehensive about anything before.

13:39pm

And thats another £500 in the bag to make it £975 I've done in revenue today. Another good, but boring and statistically crap day (in that my money has come from 2 or 3 big bookings and not lots of small ones).

I'm going to post later on this evening due to some thoughts I've been having regarding a conversation I had with Graeme last night. Not that too many of you care all too much, but if theres one place I can always guarantee a bit of clarity in my life, you can bet its regarding my political views.

Back to the grind.

elmatt @ 2005-06-12T16:50:00

2005-06-12T15:54:55Z

There is a Reaper, whose name is Death,
And, with his sickle keen,
He reaps the bearded grain at a breath,
And the flowers that grow between.

"Shall I have naught that is fair?" saith he;
"Have naught but the bearded grain?
Though the breath of these flowers is sweet to me,
I will give them all back again."

He gazed at the flowers with tearful eyes,
He kissed their drooping leaves;
It was for the Lord of Paradise
He bound them in his sheaves.

"My Lord has need of these flowerets gay,"
The Reaper said, and smiled;
"Dear tokens of the earth are they,
Where he was once a child."

"They shall all bloom in fields of light,
Transplanted by my care,
And saints, upon their garments white,
These sacred blossoms wear."

And the mother gave, in tears and pain,
The flowers she most did love;
She knew she should find them all again
In the fields of light above.

O, not in cruelty, not in wrath,
The Reaper came that day;
'T was an angel visited the green earth,
And took the flowers away.

H W Longfellow (1807-1882)

My Grandad passed away today.

R.I.P

elmatt @ 2005-06-09T18:51:00

2005-06-09T18:08:15Z

List six of your current favourite songs, and tag six people to do this too. Ok..

1. Jimmy Eat World - 23
2. The Killers - Mr Brightside
3. LFO - Summer Girls ^.^
4. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wondeful World
5. Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
6. The Servant - Cells (Instrumental) ... this bein the song from the Sin City trailer.

And I'll leave the tagging to everyone else.

So I have a bunch of forms on the table to apply for a loan to settle my credit cards/overdrafts/computer payments/debts to people. I have to send off a recent wageslip...I guess its probably a good idea not to tell them I dont plan on working there very long and want to apply for University. Luckily its not a loan which will set me back too much per month and, being the experienced money juggler I've become, won't present an issue when it comes to paying it back as I'll be paying less back than if I kept the credit cards/overdrafts/computer payments/debts to people.

So on the subject of University I've been drafting a personal statement which, naturally, needs some polishing. Seeing as I have a fantastic talent to take my real life and write it in a way that actually seems like its all planned and benefitting me, my little one year detour from A Levels to Uni has come across quite well. I'm unsure, however, as to whether both Royal Holloway or the UEA will go for it. I've been emailing both to find out about course places left and so on, and the UEA have said yeah fine, but they usually take ABB or BBB students (i'm BBC), which is the same for Royal Holloway. They said BBC students are taken on in exceptional circumstances (which would have been me last year, and several of my friends already study at RH with BBC grades in the same course) so they cant guarantee me a place, and an interview or written assignment arent out of the question.

In other news, the letters have apparently all gone out telling people on the season ticket waiting list whether they have them or not. Yet I havent recieved mine. I think, as mum put us both on the list, the letters will have both gone to her house, and she's currently in the Dominican Republic, so I may not find out until she gets back. This presents another interesting point about University....travelling back to see Norwich every weekend. While its something i'm more than happy to do, i'm unsure whether my back account is more than happy to let me. Of course, if I go to the UEA, its not a problem.

Anyway, I need to polish off the statement. Peace

elmatt @ 2005-06-08T17:51:00

2005-06-08T16:53:46Z

New layout. I like this photo, it just looks all cool and vibrant even though it was one of the ones that didnt come out right from a Bryan Adams gig i went to nearly 3 years ago.

Been doing a few things today, I got onto the local LEA to send me student loan things, and i'm trying to get my old history teacher to be a reference too. Royal Holloway are still accepting applications and offering places which is good, and I've also started drafting my personal statement.

Peace

elmatt @ 2005-06-07T19:37:00

2005-06-07T18:51:02Z

This is just a follow up to the post from earlier, regarding a few conversations I've had about it:

I'm a rash person, I play the short game, I live for the now. In sociological terms, its called Immediate Gratification, and is supposedly an undesireable trait. I beg to differ. The one thing that can be said about me is that enjoyment of something is paramount to anything else. At The One Account, I didnt enjoy it, which was why I applied for Archant (before getting fired). At Archant, I dont enjoy it. And i dont expect to be working there in 3 months time, either because I move elsewhere or because they dont renew my contract, because quite simply, i dont cut it as a salesman.

After the setbacks regarding MCM and the Journalism thing, I look forward now and look at what I've got. I've been advised to keep at it, to roll with the punches, take the rough with the smooth and something might come up. Good advice in most situations. But look at whats going on. I have nothing infront of me, except working in more jobs that I dont like, in careers that I dont want to pursue. Something may well come up. I may well get promoted, I may well earn more money, if i stick at something i dont like. I ask...why?

Why should I do something I dont like in the hope there might be a chance, when i can do something I will enjoy with an equal chance of something coming up out of that? Why should I do something I dont like in the first place? Some pessimists/realists might say life is just like that. Its the way it goes. Well, life doesnt have to be that way. Life doesnt have to be getting your hopes and dreams trod on because you're too chicken to grab life by the balls when you have a chance and try to make something better.

Some say I'm rash because the other things let me down, so I'm just looking for a further option. Yes, I am looking for a further option. But was it not rash to ditch uni last year in the hope that the trainee journalism course would come up? My main reason for not going has now gone, so why not go back to Plan A? The way I, my sister and the rest of my family see it, as well as one or two of you lot, is this: I can take a chance and go to uni, enjoy myself because I'm working for something, i'll have a wider social life, i'll have an aim. So the chance of getting a job I want out of it may also be shaky, and I may end up back at square one, applying for a journalism course that never materialises. But something might come up...

...or I can roll with the punches. I can try to make Archant work, or I can try to make whatever job i turn to work. I can see how things go, see how my social life goes, and hope something comes up. A promotion, an opportunity, anything. But while it happens, I'll know its not what I want to do, and I'll have missed the boat regarding uni, and trying somehting different. Something may come up, something may not.

The risk is there. What would you do?

elmatt @ 2005-06-07T17:28:00

2005-06-07T16:56:25Z

So several things happened this last few days which have begun to shape what I'm going to do for the next few years. First, lets start with MCM.

As those of you who pay attention know, MCM was the business idea me and my dad were working on. After a lot of hard work, some nifty ideas and some promise, it turns out we're back at the start, and back where I didnt want to be. Me and Dad have completely different ideas on how to start it, where to take it and how to do it. He wants it more image-focussed, i want it more movie-focussed. He wants it to start slow and slowly build up. I cant for one simple reason. For me to work as MCM, i'd need to quit my job. If we start slow and slowly build up, there wont be enough of an income to support us both. Only if I quit my job and we started bigger, with 4 or 5 cars would we get an immediate income equal to what we have now, but dad wants to put it in his car. This is the biggest sticking point. To put it in a nutshell, if i was to work for MCM, i'd have to quit my job...and I cant do that unless we start bigger. So with that problem aside, the basic differences we have on content, pricing and so on make it clear that with him being the one with the Money and the Taxi, he's the one running the show to start it up. We go in his direction to get created, and i take over the running. I can't do that. I don't believe in it, it wont give enough money. I'd give it a 50/50 chance of it being set up, and a 30/70 chance against me actually being part of it should it ever get set up.

Secondly, the trainee journalism thing. I don't know how many of you who read this, know this, but the main reason I didn't go to university was to work for a while then apply for this trainee journalism thing. Well I've been finding out a lot more about it lately and they dont hire people every year, I discovered. I also discovered they hired 3 last year and almost definitely wont be hiring anyone this year. On top of that there is still a lot of training and courses to go through, all of which have to be personally financed, and these total about £1.5k. So essentially, if i wanted to compete with the graduates that apply, next year, I'd have to spend £1.5k on this basic training in the meantime. And that still means a year of aimlessness, more than likely changing jobs as I dont enjoy this one...thats something I cant do. Even then after the training and even if they do take people on next year, its usually 2 or 3 hired from about 60 applicants, about 95% of which are Uni graduates.

Finally, and this hasnt happened over a few days, its been building up in me for a few months, but my shambles of a life is beginning to really piss me off. Ever since all my friends went to Uni, I've done nothing. I'm not the most outgoing or confident of people and I was happy to just coast by, but I never got newer friends, just workmates. At work, this is fine, but then afterwork as they all head off to their little social networks, I have nothing. My whole social life at the weekend generally revolves around Graeme (no offence intended, but generally if you don't wanna do something, I'm stuck). I'm becoming more and more frustrated with it, as I turn 20 next month and I dont seem to be doing anything or going anywhere. I'm coasting along, job to job, not enjoying either of the full time jobs I've had so far, living with my sister, and not going out much. I want more.

Which is why I've been thinking a lot lately about heading off to University. No job I enjoy, no MCM, no trainee journalism, few friends. No clue. No plan. I can still go to University this year if I apply by the end of June. Obviously, I have to weigh things up and sort things out, but i cant face another year like this. I want to have something. I want to have a clue where i'm heading, I want to see a goal, I want to be busy, not sitting at home infront of the idiot box, moaning because of work. It's a massive decision, but this for me is the last time I can make it happen. If i was to go next year I'll have turned 21 by then, a full 3 years ahead of people I start with. By then i'll have grown roots into Norwich, with whatever place I happen to be living at, bills, jobs and so on. At the moment I can stop that going ahead, and if i think its right for me, I've got to. I just dont know what to do with myself...

Peace.

The Greatest Show On Earth

2005-06-05T19:16:27Z

One side effect of my lousy job are the benefits. Specifically, the fact that people who you sort out the advertising for seem to feel endebted to you, and about half of them offer discounts, freebies and so on at their particular store. Such is the case with a man I dealt with called Tony, who spent £1.6k advertising The Berlin International Circus via me, and gave me 2 free tickets to any performance. Today, on the very final show, I took use of those free tickets and took Manda along.

I had not planned to use them. My only memories of Circus' are having my photo taken on an Elephant in Gt Yarmouth when I was 5 (and a clown also made me cry), and the Moscow State Circus which I just hated because of the treatment of the animals. The rest of it is fine, the knife juggling, tightrope walking, slapstick humour; its all fun. But it was only a random question when I offered them to Manda and it turns out she loved the idea, so we went. And I have to say, I'm really pleased we did. No animals; check. No crying; check. It was all good fun. My particular favourite parts included the man juggling footballs (among other things) and the Shaolin Monks, one of whom had 4 bricks smashed over his head with a sledgehammer.

Happy Days.

elmatt @ 2005-06-03T23:44:00

2005-06-03T22:58:11Z

Everyones life has a bit of a pattern to it. Usually because of work, but things just ebb and flow in the same way for months, years on end. You get up at the same time, do the same job, get home, go out at the same time with the same people, have the same hobbies. Rinse; repeat. My father has a pattern to his life all of his own. Historically, it goes a bit like this:

Part One: Be a taxi driver. Learn the local roads and do the only thing he knows, and drive people around.
Part Two: Meet a woman and marry her within 6 months.
Part Three: Try a different career. Fail. Go back to taxi driving.
Part Four: Realise within a month of marriage that he's got the wrong person, or is in it for the wrong reasons, or that he's married an alcoholic dragon who would easily cut his testicles off and wear them as earrings for looking at her in the wrong way.
Part Five: End up divorced.

Thats the way he's gone so far. He's currently on his third cycle, with my mum being his second wife (and only reasonably successful marriage by his own admittance, if you can count divorce as ultimately successful). At the moment, however, he's married to an alcoholic, psychopathic, schitzophrenic control freak, and his life has taken on a different pattern to usual.

Part One: Things are fine, she isn't drinking, theyre happy.
Part Two: Arguement over nothing, she hits the bottle.
Part Three: HUGE Arguement, he leaves her, and comes to mine sleeping on the sofa, claiming he's had enough.
Part Four: After about 3 days, his wife is truly sorry and he goes back to her.
Part Five: Repeat Part One.

Its getting beyond a joke. He's been sleeping on my sofa (which he replaced with a Futon), for the last week, and tomorrow he'll go back to her. We know this because he's been hinting it. No matter how many times he tells us this is final, this time she crossed the line. After all, what is his life if its just this endless cycle? Every month it happens, every month she hits the booze, they argue, he leaves her, she cries, he comes back. And its all over the most trivial of things, and jealousy on her part. Jealousy over the fact he wants to start a business with his son but not her sons, jealousy over the fact he wants to find his real parents when she gave up a child for adoption that doesnt seem to want to find her, jealousy over the fact he's still friends with his ex wife. It stems from her own paranoia and it pisses me off to see my dad trapped like he is, but at the same time have no sympathy because he gets himself into these situations, and just gravitates towards any woman who cooks his dinner and cleans his clothes.

Ultimately, its pissed me off to high hell having my life thrown upside down every month when he decides to take residence in my front room, but isnt it also a bit depressing? That life just becomes so formulaic, so predictable, repetitive? All his life he's tried to make something of himself and, in the end, failed. Finally, with MCM, he has a real chance, for it only to be blown out of the water over and over because of his messed up wife. It doesnt just effect him now, it affects me. Maybe I just need to finish writing EmoFilm, sell the option for a ridiculous amount and live off the profits.

Peace out.

elmatt @ 2005-05-30T22:27:00

2005-05-30T21:52:25Z

One night after 6th form in the middle of January, I was waiting at the bus stop when a car came along and a girl got out. She looked about my age, quite slim, blonde, and judging by the scribbles and badges on her bag, had good taste in music. She checked the bus times and then asked me when the next one was likely to be along, and I answered. That happened a lot. Then something happened that didn't usually happen. She actually carried on talking.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-social, miserable, or anything like that. I'm just not confident around people I don't know. I don't go out of my way to be pleasant and talk to strangers because I get nervous, trying to think of things to say to fill in the awkward silences and gaps where I'm always sure they're thinking, why is he talking to me, or this guy is pretty boring. It's just a lot easier to stand there with headphones on and ignore the world around you. Speak when you're spoken to. It's one of my fundamental problems: I'm a nice person who struggles to be nice to new people. It's why when people go out to pubs, bars and clubs and meet people, I stand there in my secure little group in the knowledge I don't have to try and make conversation or, worse, shout conversation over the shitty loud music.

This girl however, had no such social demons. She started talking to me about 6th form, and it turned out we were mutual friends of someone. We got on the bus and carried on talking for the 30 minute journey, with me forever worried that I'd said something stupid, boring, etc. She was a Muse fanatic, was teaching herself guitar (like me), loved going to gigs, and stopped 6th form after 1 year and planned to reapply (like me). Just as I was thinking to myself, I should probably ask this girl for her number - she's nice to talk to, we have plenty in common, was attractive, and took her time to talk to me.

Then I asked what she was doing with herself at the moment, and she told me she'd just got back from a 3 week stay in Venezuela (she did look a bit tanned) but had to return because of the political strife in the country. Turns out she was on one of those gap year things teaching English to poor kids. And in 2 weeks, she was heading to Mexico to do the same, for the next 3 months.

Sorry what? Mexico? Three months? Well...if ever i needed an excuse to pussy out and not ask for a number, this was it. I carried on talking, got off the bus at a later stop and walked her to a pub she was meeting friends at, but never asked her for her number.

That was probably 2 years ago now. The social demons are still within me. I'm still a sucker around new people, I still struggle to make conversation around people I dont know. And I really fucking regret never getting her number.

If this story has a point, or a moral, it's that. It's partially what EmoFilm™ is about. This post has little point in all honesty. But I hope you were entertained for a few minutes.

Peace Out.

elmatt @ 2005-05-29T23:54:00

2005-05-29T23:24:40Z

She packed my bags last night, pre-flight...

..and I'm feeling just about ready to use them. I have forms for a £5k loan to sort the debts out and sort the rent out, and so on, and there will be some left over. With that, I want to take a holiday. Quite simply, this place is pissing me off more and more, work is pissing me off more and more (for reasons I shall elaborate on shortly), and I just want to drop everything for a week or two and chill the fuck out.

Wednesday: The Eagercause Ltd placed a £290 advert in Fridays EDP, via me. Unfortunately for them (and me), Fridays EDP happened to be full, and I forgot this. I went back to them to explain their advert wouldn't be able to fit in the paper, and they threw the mother of all fits. They were basing their whole bank-holiday-weekend plans around this one advert that people could cut out for a BOGOF meal or something, so demanded they speak to Andrew, my boss, to resolve it. After 45 mins of wrangling with the layout team, Andrew just managed to get it all sorted, and they would be heading for Page 5 of Fridays EDP. Then they sent me along the artwork they wanted to use, but it happened to be the wrong format. Not wanting to cause anymore arguements, I offered to change format myself on my home PC, which Rachel (my team leader) said I could. The problem here was of my own doing, but it had been fixed. Things were moving on.

In other news, I had to pass over £6k worth of adverts from The Beckett Group because they were a Business-to-Business company, which have to be done by Vicky. Which sucked.

Thursday: I come into work with The Eagercause's advert as a PDF and expecting a nicer, easier day. Surely, it couldnt get worse than what happened Wednesday? Wrong. As soon as I walked in, I was informed Jason & Linda's Carpets advert wasnt in the paper. Now these folks are my favourite customers and spend £1k per month with us, but this was the 2nd mistake made since I took over (although only the first of my doing - the other mistake was layouts fault). Turns out I had charged them for 4 adverts but only booked one, so when looking at Page 7 to see their ad, nothing was there. I spoke to them and, understandably, they were none too pleased, but an offer of a free replacement is, in 99% of cases, snapped up. What we'd do is book up the 3 adverts they missed anyway, and a free one to make up for this missing week. Turns out this wasnt good enough. Neither was 2 free adverts. Let me get this right. They miss 1 week, and £440 worth of replacement ads over 2 weeks is not good enough. It eventually boils down to the fact they feel theyre getting a crap service and want to cancel their £14.5k ad agreement with us. This is my biggest cock-up since joining the company, but was eventually rescued by Andrew who offered to make their free adverts a larger size. So at the end of today, things were pretty lousy. I'd made 2 huge mistakes that nearly cost a lot of business. It wasnt for being sheer incompetent, I knew what I was supposed to do: it was slackness that caused them. I needed to buck up.

Friday: "Telemania" days are days with no dress code, prizes, games, music and so on, and today was one of those days. Mecca bingo were invited down to give us a couple of games, we had a couple of features to work on and things were relaxed in the office. I looked on page 5 of the EDP, and there is The Eagercause's Ad, as they sent it me. Excellent I thought. Maybe my week won't end on a bum note. I was wrong. At 3pm I'm told to go see Andrew, with Rachel. Turns out The Eagercause are pissed, because their Ad didnt go in the paper as they had sent it me, and I was copping the brunt of the blame. Rachel kept saying to Andrew and I that "you shouldnt have taken it upon yourself to do this" and "it was extremely inadvisable and I'd never given permission for it." Sorry, what was that? You're lying your ass off to save your skin infront of your boss, while hanging me out to dry? Do you seriously think i'd have changed the ad myself if I didn't know what I was doing, and didn't have permission? No way jose. I couldn't believe what was happening. The ad in the paper was the one I was sent, I had permission to change it, which was now being hastily denied, and I'm getting a dressing down from the boss who tells me to buck up or i'll be on my way once probation is over. Again, this was a problem of my causing, as I should have told him it was the wrong file type and got him to send me one that was right, but the pure bottom line is what went in the paper was what I recieved, and I changed it with permission from Rachel.

To rub a little salt in, I went to sort this mess out and ended up speaking to Joe Ablett at Builders Equipment. Turns out his ad didnt go into BHG like it should have because of a cockup in the Layout department, so on Tuesday I have that mess to sort out and a £100 credit to put on his account.

So those 3 days have pissed me off something chronic, and painted a really bad picture of me to my bosses. Theyre mistakes everyone makes, and everyone at work knows this. But the way both reacted to the mistakes made them so much worse, and being in my probationary period, makes me seem completley incompetent. Roll on MCM.

In other news, maybe to be elaborated on sometime, I'm part way through writing the Screenplay to EmoFilm™, Liverpool won the Champions League in one of the most amazing matches ever and I just saw an Elton John gig, which rocked.
Peace.

Back to the Beginning, We Are

2005-05-22T20:19:56Z

Star Wars, I have just seen. In awe, I am.

Even Lucas' inability to write good dialogue didnt wreck this film. Even Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen's stuttering ability (or lack therof) to act, didnt wreck this film. Even the gross, excessive use of CGI didnt wreck this film. Finally, the good folks at LucasFilm helped the Dark Side win. And what a sight it was.

And it helped put Episodes I and II into perspective, so the fanboys who carry on crying about Jar Jar Binks and the doomed romance can finally see they were neccessary evils. Anakins Luciferesque fall from grace was played perfectly against the high moral code that Obi-Wan and co uphold, and against his love for Padme. We begin to understand what it is that drives him to murder, to the dark side. A Jedi shall not know love. The only thing strong enough to make someone contemplate evil is to protect and to help, even in their own twisted logic that makes sense. Hayden's natural dark charisma helped propel his decent and the journey was so fun to watch.

Cinematically, it was incredible. So many visual references to the Original Trilogy made it a fanboys wetdream, and the score was pitch perfect, as you'd expect from Williams. And yes, it was dark. Mace Windu's expected demise was the most gut-wrenching scene in the film, probably responsible in itself for the 12A rating it got. While Anakins demise was played excellently, that particular scene just seemed too easy. His acceptance of Sidious' help to save Padme but at the expense of everything he'd worked for, his honour, his place on the Jedi Council...was just too easy. If at any point the movie hit a sour note, it was with that one crucial scene. But at all other times, he was compelling and believable. McGregor finally managed to hit Obi-Wan spot on, striking the balance between his strong ideals and Jedi upbringing with his relationship with Anakin. He took no pleasure in the outcome.

It was a grand end to a trilogy which never hit the same notes as the original three, but even in itself will come to be viewed as great fun, with everything thats good about films. Action, drama, romance, intrigue, tension, the lot. The tragedy of Anakin is complete. You almost begin to root for him...