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[05 Oct 2005|01:48am] |
Well, hasnt it been an absolute age since I was here. Lets skip the boring bits where I had no job for 2 months, and when my computer broke for 6 weeks, and get straight to why I've resurrected this place. I finally made it to Uni.
Its Tuesday Night/Wednesday Morning now, and already so much has happened. Lets go through chronologically:
Saturday: We stayed in Blackpool overnight (where I won a winnie the pooh teddy) and I wanted to get set off for Lancaster really early. I wanted to make good time and I'm glad I did, because about an hour after I arrived, the queue to pick up keys was over 2 hours long. Moving the stuff from car to room was a nightmare but thankfully I got sorted and met the folks on my corridor (which, sucks for me, is all male). Adam, in the room opposite, is quite smart and not the most overly outgoing of people, reminds me a lot of how Mickey Riddle used to be, and also is very camp. People kept telling me, "he's eccentric isnt he?" Nice Uni slang for gay. Pete in the room to my right is cool, a particular hit with the women and also seems to know loads of people too, as he lived quite close. Chris is a really shy person and has the most boring, monotonous voice known to man, but give him a drink and the mans the life of the party. His best side definitely comes out with a drink. Then there are the 2 Americans, Shane and Ryan. Shane is a typical Yank - loud, brash and obnoxious. He's smart, funny and very politically motivated, but he has to be the centre of all attention. Ryan is a big bear of a person but is really quiet and keeps himself to himself. Finally theres Mike, who turned up on Sunday, who is without doubt the coolest person on the floor. He's like this maniacal, crazy scouse genius. He's completely random, absolutely insane but hilariously funny and stupidly smart to boot. He plays 11 instruments, including the banjo, fiddle and bagpipes.
I'm known to be quite a reserved kind of person. I don't go out of my way to meet people, because I'm inherently shy and afraid of the awkward conversations that inevitably follow once you've found out who they are, where theyre from and what theyre studying. I also don't really drink all too much. I found out my limit with the infamous vodka incident at a halloween party when i was 16, and Ive not really tested myself since. Man did I blow that out of the water on Saturday. I drank far too much, mainly to limit my boredom as I got lumbered with Adam and Chris, who are just like me when it comes to being not that outgoing (which, by default, must mean I bore them too). The night was pretty lame but I was getting trashed anyway, until I met up with these second years who just took me under their wing. I have no idea the ginger ones name, but the girl was Monica (I think) and my night just got better and better, and we all ended up singing songs round the tree at 1am...which has now happened every night of the week.
The rest of my week will be put in in more posts so the two of you who read this dont have to sit through a book at once. But heres a little song I know...
Countys fuckin magic, it wears a magic hat
And when I saw the County, I said I'm havin that
I didnt choose the Grizedale or Pendle cos theyre shite
But I chose the County cos its fuckin dynamite
Thank you and goodnight.
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[14 Jul 2005|12:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pensive |
] |
I had a meeting at work with the gruesome twosome
(Andrew and Rachel) and two things came up in it. First, as i've said
for a while, I'm really worried that leaving at the end of July is
gonna screw me for temp work, as most places have already sorted theirs
out. I need to sort out work for August and the later I can do it, the
harder things will be. This really, really worries me. The second thing
is that its become plainly obvious to them that I no longer have the
heart, the enthusiasm or the effort for this job. Given that i've
handed my notice in, I'm just going through the motions, rebooking what
i need to, doing what i need to, but generally not putting in any extra
effort that needs to be there as part of a sales team (I personally
dont think its any different to how I always was...which explains a
lot). But yeah, at the moment i do go in with a shitty mindset, eager
to just get the day out of the way and i dont care anymore. They know
this, and while they realise its inevitable as i'm leaving, they also
realise im part of a sales team who's overall target relies on all
people doing their best...one of which is me. Effectively, 2 people are
doing good and 1 doesnt care, and that 1 is holding back the other 2.
So, in a rather good compromise, theyre allowing me to leave this friday, but theyre still going to pay me for the whole
4 weeks notice. So theyre giving me a 2 week headstart on what I
thought i'd have to get temp work, theyre still going to pay me for
those 2 weeks, and for them, their sales team can get ahead without a
distraction of me being there, not putting in the effort they need.
I've talked things over with Kelv and Emily and its all cool there,
they realise whats going on and they realise i've not enjoyed the
actual job (while i do enjoy being there), but they also know its best
for both them and me if I leave sooner rather than later. I dont want
to leave under a cloud, at the end of July, with them being thankful
for me finally going, so their sales team can get on. While im sure
thats going to be part of the reaction anyway, i'm still leaving on
good terms with everyone and they know this is something I have to do
to benefit me aswell.
I cannot understate just how much of a difficult job that is. I've said
it before, i'll say it again. You're either born a salesperson, or you
arent. There is no middle ground. You've got to have a certain
character in that job and those 2 have it in abundance, and I dont. I
dont have the energy or the enthusiasm to hit another meaningless
target, and I'd rather have a job where I can feel happy with what i've
done and not like i'm ripping someone off. Emily and Kelv are great at
their jobs and well done to them, they'll always do well and always
make a fair chunk of bonus, but they enjoy it
- I didn't. It's been a sharp learning experience for me, its taught me
a lot about myself, what I can and cant do, and what I want to do in
the future.
And its looking likely I'm going to Lancaster. I'd say i'm about 75% certain.
Peace.
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[12 Jul 2005|11:12pm] |
You people are all fucking mental...
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[10 Jul 2005|01:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
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music |
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Dashboard Confessional - The Good Fight |
] |
So, I was growing off Royal Holloway anyway for one
reason or another. With the social side of things being pretty
important to me, I needed to go somewhere that has what I'm looking
for: ie. some live music near by, ideally a football club nearby, and
somewhere nicely sized. Unfortunately, Egham is like Wymondham but
duller (if thats possible), theres no live music unless you want to go
closer into London, and the same goes for nightlife and football. As an
academic place, its a very good choice, but today I discovered
something.
At the moment, I have a Conditional Offer from Hull (the condition
being I send them proof of my results; the problem being I dont know
where my certificates are), and an Unconditional Offer from Lancaster.
Both good uni's academically, but will less prestigious
reputations than RH. RH wants ABB/BBB. Hull and Lancaster want BBC. I
was looking at the 2004 University League tables today and, to my
surprise, I actually saw Lancaster and RH were tied 25th, with my own
local UEA in 20th, and Hull in 32nd. So two universities equally good
when comparing the whole experience (Academic, Research, Social, Living
Costs etc)...one flat out refuses me and one welcomes me with open
arms. Funny how some people make up their minds. In the end, I'm still
yet to decide where to go, but given that I'm no longer keen on the
UEA, it looks like I have a simple choice between Hull and Lancaster.
In other Uni related news, I was sifting through loads of my stuff to
sort out what I'm going to take and what not. I'm going to sell
half/most of my DVD's, partly to raise cash, partly cos I never watch
them anymore. I think the only ones I'm going to bother holding onto
are my Godfather Boxset, Family Guy Boxsets, Star Wars Trilogy and a
couple of the other classics, i.e. Pulp Fiction, Shawshank, Snatch.
I'll end up selling about 50 I think. I also found a massive CD wallet
with 32 CD's i previously thought I lost, which has brightened my day.
Finally have my Greenday, White Stripes, Foo Fighters, Longview and
Smashing Pumpkins albums, among others. Need one more wallet to fit in
all my cd's (of which I never realised I had so many). I've decided to
sell my guitars too, and I split my clothes into ones I just got for
work and dont want to keep, and my jeans/tshirts that i wear regularly
(even found my Jim Morrison tee). Need to get all this sorted sharpish
to find out if im going to need any storage space or anything while I'm
away.
I officially finish work on the 29th of this month meaning I
desperately need to find work for August. I cant wait to get out of
that spirit crushing place. I'm losing the will to do anything, and
people at work are realising that. I had a really good chat with Andrew
and Rachel last monday to get things sorted. It's as i've been saying,
you're either a salesman or you arent, and you need a very thickskin
and good moneygrabbing instinct to get by in that job, and thats just
not me. Fairplay to people who do it, I couldnt. There are people who
can do that job a helluva lot better than me and as they're recruiting
at the moment anyway, they're going to replace me sooner rather than
later, which I'm annoyed with in one respect because I have to search
for work again, but knew it was coming and respect that, but also
pleased to be going. Its a nice place to work, and I enjoy the people
there and so on. But the job I hate. I really do.
I turn 20 in about 2 and a half weeks, which I'm...unfazed about. I
expect dad and mum will get me something uni related, although in
honesty some cash wouldnt go amiss at the moment. But I hate that. Its
my birthday, so pay a bill? Nah. I dont know what to do for it either.
I'm looking at doing a 20 pub crawl, following my 19 pub crawl last
year, but we'll see. Its not cheap. I think thats the plan now, and
it'd be nice to have a few other people along but, as is the story of
my life, my social scene isnt exactly huge these days. I think i'll ask
Emma and co. to join me for a leg of it, 3 or 4 pubs towards the end of
the night (seeing as we'll be starting around middle of the afternoon).
I just need all this prep to get over and to get down to it. Month and a half to go. Wake me up when September .... starts.
Peace.
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[04 Jul 2005|05:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
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music |
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The Killers - Jenny |
] |
I never thought I'd be in a position to actually be embarassed, or ashamed, to be in the job I am. Today, that happened. And its a perfect example of why a sales job is not for me.
The one thing I've never been comfortable with is the idea that I'm
supposed to "sell up" to the customer. I'm supposed to give them more
than they asked for, presenting it in a way that obviously benefits
them, but in truth the only reason for it is to make a little bit more
cash for the company. If someone wants a classified ad, try and give
them a semi-display. If they want a display ad, offer them Early Week
Repeat. It goes on. Give them more than they ask for, or need. Now i've
never been entirely comfortable with this simply because these arent
faceless corporations I'm dealing with. Half my customers are self
employed builders, painters, carpet fitters. Why should I try and skin
them for a little bit more money just so I can hit a target? Why should
my entire work life be based around hitting a target, making more money
and trying to take more from people who cannot afford it or dont need
it.
Two examples happened today, atlhough neither are the reason I'm
writing this. I'll get to that later. First of all, Kelvin was selling
a large display ad to the Norfolk and Norwich Hospital. With big
adverts, we usually cut out colour charging as that can add quite a lot
more to it, as an incentive to get them to advertise. So a £1k add
would stay £1k rather than going up to £1.3k, for example. This was the
case with the N&N Hosp. On top of that, charities and the like are
given a 25% discount. Kelvin applied neither to this case and got the
maximum he could, even ignoring the Early Week Repeat rate and got 2
adverts, full colour, full price, when the Hospital could have been
saved around a grand. Now in the grand scheme of things, a grand to
such a large organisation didnt bother me that much, but it didnt
exactly make me proud to be working as a salesman either. The other
thing was Emily quoting some basic rates etc to a New Advertiser, again
ignoring the Early Week Repeat rate (about a 55% discount) because she
knew the guyw ouldnt kick up a fuss, and in the long run she can get
more money out of him.
Now both of those instances happen regularly. Its encouraged. And
rightly so. In a capitalist, target driven, sales based world, they're
doing their jobs perfectly. But I cannot stand it...here's the clincher.
My very first customers there were Jason & Linda's Carpets, a
local, home run carpet fitting place. They set up their business about
2 years ago and ever since I started talking to them theyve been saying
how things are getting a bit too expensive and they might have to cut
things down soon etc. They arent the smartest business people in the
world, but theyre honest, hardworking and decent. They really tried to
make a go of things, even when we bodged up, or things were tight, they
really put everything into it. Today, Jason called me to tell me they'd
folded. They'd been losing just far too much money and had no choice to
pull out now before their posessions become liable for the debt. This
knocked me quite a bit because I'd grown to know and like them. They
were decent people, competing against established firms. When I told
this to Simon and Kelvin (their previous contacts), they just laughed.
Kelvin said its no surprise as they spend too much for a small firm and
their advert was useless.
Simon <chuckling> : Well part of that might be my fault. How much do they spent a week at the moment?
Me: About £220.
Simon: Yeah, at their peak time, I had them going at about £800-£900,
even though they couldnt really afford it. Its no surprise really. They
aren't the sharpest tools in the shed.
Sorry...you're chuckling because you had them paying well over the odds
to meet your target when you know it was crippling them in the long
run? This isnt a national company. This isnt a faceless company. This
is a local company, with 2 people I'd grown to know pretty well, who's
livelihood has been taken away, and we can count ourselves as partially
responsible, even though the ironic twist is that, ethically and
morally, we behaved irresponsibly. No way.
That, selling up, shit is for the birds. Jason and Linda were good
people who are now unemployed with a big debt and for you guys, its no
problem because you hit target that month and got a nice £50 bonus.
Well I hope that you enjoyed that bonus. I'd rather work somewhere
where I could look myself in the eye and my conscience was clear. Fuck
the, "the advertising is helping them" bullshit. There is no
co-operation in this, no mutual wellbeing. Its one giant media
corporation hitting a local business for 6. And its nothing I wish to
be a part of any longer.
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[27 Jun 2005|09:12pm] |
And something else...another little thing for me to pass the time by. I'm going to review my entire DVD collection.
In the form of Haiku.
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[27 Jun 2005|08:48pm] |
So i've started a little competition with Deus. We're
going to see who can learn the Driving Theory test better within a
week. We both just took the test with no prior knowledge, lessons or
revision. He got 25, I got 22. We have a week to learn and next monday
will take the test again.
I will be King.
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[26 Jun 2005|11:23pm] |
Cos she's all lonely - ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) x_nicki_x
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[25 Jun 2005|11:48pm] |
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mood |
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nostalgic |
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music |
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Dire Straits - Brothers in Arms |
] |
In the end, I found out a lot more about him than I
already knew. It made me realise that, although he was my grandad, I
didnt know him half as much as I'd have liked, or as he'd have liked I
imagine. I never knew he was into motorbikes, and was a keen mechanic
in his youth. I never knew anything about his family. I never knew
exactly how old he was, I just knew it was early 80's. He was 83.
It was a really strange day. We arrived at 11am but the service wasnt
until 3, and it really didnt hit home until then. In the week and a bit
beforehand that I knew, I cried once. But it never hit home. Not until
I walked out the front door and, to my shock, saw a funeral procession
waiting for us. The lead car with his coffin, then two cars for the
family. Only then did it sink in. Travelling on the 20 minute route
through Wolverhampton, it passed in a flash. I always remember when I
see processions like that in the streets. I always stand respectfully
as they pass. Your attention cant help but be drawn to it. Now it was
me inside it, and peoples attentions were on us.
On the way my dad told me that Grandads wedding ring had been given to
him, and he was passing it to Simon. Then, after his ashes have been
scattered, Grandma is giving her wedding ring to Dad and he's passing
it along to me. This came as a bit of a surprise too. Its an honour I
never really expected. In many ways, I cant help but feel overawed by
it, slightly undeserving. For all these years, I knew I'd never been in
touch as much as I should have, never tried as much as I could have.
Now this heirloom is being passed onto me and I'm carrying it on. I
cant help but feel a slight twinge of responsibility, but for what?
I had much more to say the day after it happened, but in the long run,
I dont really feel the need to. Only a couple of things came out of the
day that have had an impact on me. The fact I dont know my grandparents
as much as I want to, which I intend to put right. The ring which will
be passed to me. And the overbearing thought that kept running through
my head all day, that one day, I'm going to have to bury my dad.
Now I've got that out of the way, I'll be posting more cheery things later on.
Adios.
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[21 Jun 2005|11:39pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
] |
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music |
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Kanye West - Through The Wire |
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I'd post some inane stuff about how my day has been, but
I don't feel its been particularly interesting enough to comment on.
Yet strangely I want to post something. So, on the eve of the first
funeral I'll have been to, I'm up for a little bit of self-analysation.
About 2 months ago I posted my 10 Commandments for how I was going to
change myself. Lets look how I'm doing:
- Thou
shalt not drink more than 1 bottle/can of coke per day. This can be
forgotten about if out on the lash.
- well this went out of the window after about 5 days. The other night,
cleaning this room, I cleaned up 49 empty cans of the stuff, which had
accumulated over the last 3 or so weeks.
- Thou
shalt spend 90 minutes a day, 3 days a week, exercising. Walking up the
hill to work does not count. -
This isnt being done, mainly because I'm lazy, and partly because I'm
too skint to go to a Gym. I also dont think its wise to get a Gym
membership if I'm not going to be in Norwich in 3 months time.
- Thou
shalt not order a pizza every other weekend. Once a month is just fine.
- This one I do. I had a couple more when Dad was over because he paid,
but I only order myself now once a month or so. I spend the excess
tenner on something else equally random and useless.
- Thou
shalt not eat more than one packet of crisps per day. If you eat these
with your lunch, tough shit.
- Hmm, sometimes. It depends how restrained I feel at work. I mainly
eat them when I'm bored, and at home, because there are none around, I
wont pick at them, but I'm probably about 50/50 on this one.
- Thou
shalt have at least 2 pieces of fruit per day. Apple tango does not count. - This one I also do. Not that my guts appreciate it.
- Thou
shalt use your work discount to join a gym. Then you will actually go.
- Yeah, so I'm still too skint, and as I said before, I might not even
be in Norwich. A Uni Gym will also be cheaper, so I'm prepared to wait
a few more months on this one.
- Thou
shalt not be on the net until the small hours when you have work in the
morning. 12:30 is late enough.
- Again, about 50/50. I started off very well, but it goes out the
window after a while. Sleeping during the week isnt a big issue for me
as I make it up at the weekend. But it cant harm when all I do at that
time is sit in GE right?
- Thou
shalt not get up for work half an hour before you have to be there. Be
prepared, be awake. - It's one I do, no problem. Makes me feel better at work too.
- Thou
shalt start eating breakfast. This does not mean a bag of crisps at work.
Eat properly.
- I do it when we have something to eat. If we have bread, or cereal,
I'll do it. Otherwise I'll grab something high in saturated fats and
cholesterol on the way to work.
- Thou
shalt not keep picking between meals. The only things allowable are fruit.
- I cant say I do this, if only because apart from my work lunch, I
dont have meals. I eat when I'm hungry/bored. And I'm bored quite a
lot...
So thats 4 I do, 2 I'm about 50/50 with and the rest I
dont do, for a variety of excuses. So I'm about 50% of the way to
improving my life in a minor way. In honesty, theres only 2 parts of
that which will make me feel better in the long term, and thats the Gym
and Exercise thing. It's well known I have issues with my hamster
cheeks, bitch tits and beer gut. I know if I had the will, the
motivation, if I wasn't so lazy I could improve these things which make
me feel so self conscious and uncomfortable. Its something I always
plan to address. Once I've done <excuse>. As soon as I've
finished 6th Form. As soon as I've got some money. As soon as pigs fly.
Simple truth is I'm a lazy bastard that pisses and moans about
something I'm too lazy to change. That, is an uncomfortable truth. And
I'm not looking for the usual "but you're not fat matt!" comments my
rantings always get. It is an uncomfortable truth, and the sooner I
deal with it, the sooner I kick myself into gear, the more content I'll
be.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. Looking over what I
just wrote, it isnt rainbows and gumdrops. But on the whole, I'm
content. I'm an optimistic person and I know things are going in the
right direction, and I know in a couple of months my other issues will
be addressed (see: lack of life). I'm the sort of person who cant set
goals longer than a few months away because I just forget them. Not
that I pay much attention in the first place, but now for example, I'm
looking to September, and getting started at Uni. Thats my plan. Get
settled at Uni and enjoy it. After that, who knows? "Its a dangerous business, going out your door. Before you know it, you never know where you've been swept off to."
My mum is 45 years old and, last week, she achieved one of her life's
aims: to swim with dolphins. Today I saw the pictures and the video,
and its amazing stuff. She's so happy with it, its one of those life
changing experiences for her. It is for a lot of people. Is this what I
should be aiming for? Not dolphins, but setting myself some goals?
Isn't that a good yardstick to measure how things are going? Or is it
the case, which I tend to lean towards, that you cant measure these
things. You're either happy with your lot, content with what you've
achieved or not. I said last year that my greatest fear is being in a
rocking chair with nothing to say, having lived the rat race and gone
through the motions. Nothing strikes me as being more boring. It comes
around to impulsiveness in a way, which we all know I am.
In one month, I turn 20. That is all.
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[19 Jun 2005|06:53pm] |
Good lord, I click on the "Friends" part, and all I can
see are quizzes. What is your Penis' name? What does your name mean?
What Friends member are you? How much of a Chav are you? What type of
kisser are you?
Who gives a fucking shit that theyre more like Chandler than Ross?
Maybe I actually like to read whats going on for people, and not that
theyre "part experimental kisser". I'm going to systematically remove
anyone from my friends list who posts that bullshit now. My only worry
is that it leaves me only with Deus.
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[17 Jun 2005|11:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Killers - Andy You're A Star |
] |
Deus said something to me about two months ago which has
had a stronger impact on me than I thought. It went something like this:
Me: So work was good. We hit target
on the last day, the three of us. We made £95k between us, which is an
achievement as two of us are new starters.
Deus: Not bad.
Me: Yeah. Got myself a £50 bonus for doing it too.
Deus: Lol. You help them get £95k and you get £50 for it. Thats capitalism for you.
Cast your minds foward now and I'm having a conversation with Graeme regarding his job:
Graeme: So I've
been thinking. If, by the end of the year, I'm pulling in £96k a year
for them. Thats pure profit. If I'm pulling in £96k a year for them, I
think I'm gonna lay it on the table and go for £16k basic. I think
thats fair.
Admittedly, I'm paraphrasing, but the jist is there. When you think
about it, he's right. He'll be contributing that huge amount and asking
for something actually quite small in return. But the chances of it
happening are just so remote (although where he works, he has a better
chance because theyre a smallish company that wont have any backup).
But in general. Thats the way it goes doesnt it? You get paid the
minimum amount possible to provide them with the maximum return
possible, yet the whole time they dangle a carrot infront of you in the
form of bonus' and commision to make you work that little bit harder,
to make you think you're getting a good reward for the work you put in.
When you think about it, you arent. That £50 just went on another bill
for me. This huge profit for Archant just racks up and racks up and
will provide Shareholders a nice little bonus.
I remember seeing once how if a corporation had to be defined in human
terms, given its basic characteristics, the way it acts, treats people,
acts morally and ethically, concern for its associates/environment and
so on, it would be classed as a Sociopath. That says it all. All a
company does is mercilessly rake in money. Build up the profits while
keeping expenses low. Its the crux of capitalism. Given my recent job
experiences, and some things I've picked up the last few years,
capitalism pisses me off. Aside from my pseudo-idolisation of Che
Guevara (for ideological reasons, not his tendency to execute prisoners
without trial etc), the capitalist system is something thrown on us
from Day 1 and we're supposed to buy into it. Like the American Dream.
Its fair, its equal, it promotes self sufficiency, it helps growth, it
helps trade, it builds economies etc. Its bollocks.
But its the only way we can survive, because Socialism falls on its ass
whenever its presented. The fundamental flaw in socialism is that it
assumes everyone thinks the same, that everyone wants the world to be a
better place, that everyone wants to share the wealth and the
productivity, that everyone wants to end world poverty, that no one is
selfish and wants more than their fare share. Isnt that what Capisalism
is about? Wanting more? Getting more? Greed is inbuilt from birth under
this system.
Capitalism is a system that convinces us that we're supposed to run the
rat race in order to get along, to move up in the world, to buy the
latest gadget (of which I have many), to succeed. Its a system that
says we should work certain days of the week and that our only time to
ourselves is the weekend - from the moment we're in the real world
we're (in most cases) boxed into a monday-friday job, and our reward
for working this is paying us the lowest possible amount and giving us
two days to relax. Capitalism is a system that helps the rich get
richer and the poor get poorer, unless you really have the balls and
the brains (which most dont have, together) to really work your way up
through the system, play the game, read the rules and do as you're told.
Fuck that. I don't want to support a system that says I have to do
this, work then, achieve this because its the right way. The right way,
from a humanitarian perspective, from an environmental perspective, is
to join together and tackle problems as a whole. Share the wealth. Help
each other to help themselves. Forget greed, forget the next gadget,
forget the next bonus or commission payment. Do something that helps
the world, because in the long run, the world is a more pressing need
than Sky TV. Unfortunately, this isnt the way of the world. The
majority of people dont think that way for so many reasons, be it
greed, be it ignorance, or simply it may be the American Dream. Its a
disease of capitalism. For right or wrong reasons, and both apply,
people think of themselves before the world. I know I'm guilty of this
so many times. I just wish there was a choice.
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[17 Jun 2005|12:49am] |
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In a change from the scheduled post, what follows is a rant.
Not everyone in this world is going to like each other. A might like B
and C, but B and C dont get along. Its life, it happens. What I dont
fucking appreciate is C telling me how much of a twat B is, when they
dont even know them. Several people criticise the fact I'm friends with
someone, someone they only see one side of. They see a pompous, self
riteous, arrogant, egotistical moron who rubs people up the wrong way.
Thats fine. But that person is different when you know them. That
person I know, and I like to think I know very well.
But just because some Tom, Dick and Harry, who hasnt taken the time to
get to know them, who only sees the person they want to see, doesnt
like them, does that mean I shouldnt like them? Why should I have to
sit and every week, without fail, get someone saying, "Why are you
friends with X?", "Why do you kiss X's ass?", and so on and so forth.
Your opinion I can take, your views being shoved down my throat I cant.
Jest all you want, but saying I "kiss X's ass" is going to get a rise
out of me. This person is a friend, and just because I stick up for
them when everyone else slates, that means I kiss their ass? People
dont have to like, but I dont go telling other people who they should
be friends with, and which of their friends are morons and should leave
alone. Chances are, its because I dont know that person. So fucking
stop telling me this person is a moron too.
I'm pissed off because of how this has come across to someone else.
Apparently, I'm arsey with them because they dont like said person. No.
I'm arsey because they dont like said person and insist on telling me
this all the time, and informing me I'm wrong for liking them at any
given opportunity. Joking or not, saying something which is designed to
piss me off or get a rise out of me results in pissing me off and
getting a rise out of me, and you're going to get the brunt end of it.
I can handle a healthy discussion any day of the week, but when I've
explained over and over my reasons, when I've asked 4 or 5 times to
drop the subject, when i've made it clear that deliberately trying to
piss me off over this will succeed...you're going to be sorry.
End of rant. The orinally scheduled post will be done tomorrow.
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[16 Jun 2005|01:03pm] |
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It's shocking how much can change in such a short place of time. In the last two weeks, everything has changed so much that when mum called this morning having landed back in the country, I didnt know where to start.
I feel like I've found some direction, which in my case, as always, directs me only to a short term goal. University is an aim for me and then after that, I have no direction to take, no aim to follow. Get a well paid job, enjoy myself, but not in that order. With myself focussed on that, I know what to do with myself. I know what I need to sort, I know what forms I need to fill out, I know who's fingers I need to break because they arent returning my phonecalls regarding a reference. But ultimately I'm an aimless sort of person. I cant get enthused about something unless I actually enjoy doing it. If i dont enjoy it, the standard at which I do it slips. Gotta love a nice healthy dose of apathy.
The news regarding my Grandad was hard to take. He was the Grandparent I got along with the best, he was so laid back. I have a particularly nice photo of us two playing football when I was about 4. It was hard seeing him last time because the drop in his health was so evident. His final aim in life was to reach the age of 80. He was 83. The funeral is Wednesday, and I don't think ive been so apprehensive about anything before.
13:39pm
And thats another £500 in the bag to make it £975 I've done in revenue today. Another good, but boring and statistically crap day (in that my money has come from 2 or 3 big bookings and not lots of small ones).
I'm going to post later on this evening due to some thoughts I've been having regarding a conversation I had with Graeme last night. Not that too many of you care all too much, but if theres one place I can always guarantee a bit of clarity in my life, you can bet its regarding my political views.
Back to the grind.
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[12 Jun 2005|04:50pm] |
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There is a Reaper, whose name is Death,
And, with his sickle keen,
He reaps the bearded grain at a breath,
And the flowers that grow between.
"Shall I have naught that is fair?" saith he;
"Have naught but the bearded grain?
Though the breath of these flowers is sweet to me,
I will give them all back again."
He gazed at the flowers with tearful eyes,
He kissed their drooping leaves;
It was for the Lord of Paradise
He bound them in his sheaves.
"My Lord has need of these flowerets gay,"
The Reaper said, and smiled;
"Dear tokens of the earth are they,
Where he was once a child."
"They shall all bloom in fields of light,
Transplanted by my care,
And saints, upon their garments white,
These sacred blossoms wear."
And the mother gave, in tears and pain,
The flowers she most did love;
She knew she should find them all again
In the fields of light above.
O, not in cruelty, not in wrath,
The Reaper came that day;
'T was an angel visited the green earth,
And took the flowers away.
H W Longfellow (1807-1882)
My Grandad passed away today.
R.I.P
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[09 Jun 2005|06:51pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
] |
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music |
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The Servant - Cells |
] |
List six of your current favourite songs, and tag six people to do this too. Ok..
1. Jimmy Eat World - 23
2. The Killers - Mr Brightside
3. LFO - Summer Girls ^.^
4. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over The Rainbow/What A Wondeful World
5. Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
6. The Servant - Cells (Instrumental) ... this bein the song from the Sin City trailer.
And I'll leave the tagging to everyone else.
So I have a bunch of forms on the table to apply for a loan to settle
my credit cards/overdrafts/computer payments/debts to people. I have to
send off a recent wageslip...I guess its probably a good idea not to
tell them I dont plan on working there very long and want to apply for
University. Luckily its not a loan which will set me back too much per
month and, being the experienced money juggler I've become, won't
present an issue when it comes to paying it back as I'll be paying less
back than if I kept the credit cards/overdrafts/computer payments/debts
to people.
So on the subject of University I've been drafting a personal statement
which, naturally, needs some polishing. Seeing as I have a fantastic
talent to take my real life and write it in a way that actually seems
like its all planned and benefitting me, my little one year detour from
A Levels to Uni has come across quite well. I'm unsure, however, as to
whether both Royal Holloway or the UEA will go for it. I've been
emailing both to find out about course places left and so on, and the
UEA have said yeah fine, but they usually take ABB or BBB students (i'm
BBC), which is the same for Royal Holloway. They said BBC students are
taken on in exceptional circumstances (which would have been me last
year, and several of my friends already study at RH with BBC grades in
the same course) so they cant guarantee me a place, and an interview or
written assignment arent out of the question.
In other news, the letters have apparently all gone out telling people
on the season ticket waiting list whether they have them or not. Yet I
havent recieved mine. I think, as mum put us both on the list, the
letters will have both gone to her house, and she's currently in the
Dominican Republic, so I may not find out until she gets back. This
presents another interesting point about University....travelling back
to see Norwich every weekend. While its something i'm more than happy
to do, i'm unsure whether my back account is more than happy to let me.
Of course, if I go to the UEA, its not a problem.
Anyway, I need to polish off the statement. Peace
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[08 Jun 2005|05:51pm] |
New layout. I like this photo, it just looks all cool
and vibrant even though it was one of the ones that didnt come out
right from a Bryan Adams gig i went to nearly 3 years ago.
Been doing a few things today, I got onto the local LEA to send me
student loan things, and i'm trying to get my old history teacher to be
a reference too. Royal Holloway are still accepting applications and
offering places which is good, and I've also started drafting my
personal statement.
Peace
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[07 Jun 2005|07:37pm] |
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mood |
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pensive |
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music |
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Jimmy Eat World - Night Drive |
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This is just a follow up to the post from earlier, regarding a few conversations I've had about it:
I'm a rash person, I play the short game, I live for the now. In
sociological terms, its called Immediate Gratification, and is
supposedly an undesireable trait. I beg to differ. The one thing that
can be said about me is that enjoyment of something is paramount to
anything else. At The One Account, I didnt enjoy it, which was why I
applied for Archant (before getting fired). At Archant, I dont enjoy
it. And i dont expect to be working there in 3 months time, either
because I move elsewhere or because they dont renew my contract,
because quite simply, i dont cut it as a salesman.
After the setbacks regarding MCM and the Journalism thing, I look
forward now and look at what I've got. I've been advised to keep at it,
to roll with the punches, take the rough with the smooth and something
might come up. Good advice in most situations. But look at whats going
on. I have nothing infront of me, except working in more jobs that I
dont like, in careers that I dont want to pursue. Something may well
come up. I may well get promoted, I may well earn more money, if i
stick at something i dont like. I ask...why?
Why should I do something I dont like in the hope there might be a
chance, when i can do something I will enjoy with an equal chance of
something coming up out of that? Why should I do something I dont like
in the first place? Some pessimists/realists might say life is just
like that. Its the way it goes. Well, life doesnt have to be that way.
Life doesnt have to be getting your hopes and dreams trod on because
you're too chicken to grab life by the balls when you have a chance and
try to make something better.
Some say I'm rash because the other things let me down, so I'm just
looking for a further option. Yes, I am looking for a further option.
But was it not rash to ditch uni last year in the hope that the trainee
journalism course would come up? My main reason for not going has now
gone, so why not go back to Plan A? The way I, my sister and the rest
of my family see it, as well as one or two of you lot, is this: I can
take a chance and go to uni, enjoy myself because I'm working for
something, i'll have a wider social life, i'll have an aim. So the
chance of getting a job I want out of it may also be shaky, and I may
end up back at square one, applying for a journalism course that never
materialises. But something might come up...
...or I can roll with the punches. I can try to make Archant work, or I
can try to make whatever job i turn to work. I can see how things go,
see how my social life goes, and hope something comes up. A promotion,
an opportunity, anything. But while it happens, I'll know its not what
I want to do, and I'll have missed the boat regarding uni, and trying
somehting different. Something may come up, something may not.
The risk is there. What would you do?
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[07 Jun 2005|05:28pm] |
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mood |
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So several things happened this last few days which have
begun to shape what I'm going to do for the next few years. First, lets
start with MCM.
As those of you who pay attention know, MCM was the business idea me
and my dad were working on. After a lot of hard work, some nifty ideas
and some promise, it turns out we're back at the start, and back where
I didnt want to be. Me and Dad have completely different ideas on how
to start it, where to take it and how to do it. He wants it more
image-focussed, i want it more movie-focussed. He wants it to start
slow and slowly build up. I cant
for one simple reason. For me to work as MCM, i'd need to quit my job.
If we start slow and slowly build up, there wont be enough of an income
to support us both. Only if I quit my job and we started bigger, with 4
or 5 cars would we get an immediate income equal to what we have now,
but dad wants to put it in his car. This is the biggest sticking point.
To put it in a nutshell, if i was to work for MCM, i'd have to quit my
job...and I cant do that unless we start bigger. So with that problem
aside, the basic differences we have on content, pricing and so on make
it clear that with him being the one with the Money and the Taxi, he's
the one running the show to start it up. We go in his direction to get
created, and i take over the running. I can't do that. I don't believe
in it, it wont give enough money. I'd give it a 50/50 chance of it
being set up, and a 30/70 chance against me actually being part of it
should it ever get set up.
Secondly, the trainee journalism thing. I don't know how many of you
who read this, know this, but the main reason I didn't go to university
was to work for a while then apply for this trainee journalism thing.
Well I've been finding out a lot more about it lately and they dont
hire people every year, I discovered. I also discovered they hired 3
last year and almost definitely wont be hiring anyone
this year. On top of that there is still a lot of training and courses
to go through, all of which have to be personally financed, and these
total about £1.5k. So essentially, if i wanted to compete with the
graduates that apply, next year,
I'd have to spend £1.5k on this basic training in the meantime. And
that still means a year of aimlessness, more than likely changing jobs
as I dont enjoy this one...thats something I cant do. Even then after
the training and even if they do take people on next year, its usually
2 or 3 hired from about 60 applicants, about 95% of which are Uni
graduates.
Finally, and this hasnt happened over a few days, its been building up
in me for a few months, but my shambles of a life is beginning to
really piss me off. Ever since all my friends went to Uni, I've done
nothing. I'm not the most outgoing or confident of people and I was
happy to just coast by, but I never got newer friends, just workmates.
At work, this is fine, but then afterwork as they all head off to their
little social networks, I have nothing. My whole social life at the
weekend generally revolves around Graeme (no offence intended, but
generally if you don't wanna do something, I'm stuck). I'm becoming
more and more frustrated with it, as I turn 20 next month and I dont
seem to be doing anything or going anywhere. I'm coasting along, job to
job, not enjoying either of the full time jobs I've had so far, living
with my sister, and not going out much. I want more.
Which is why I've been thinking a lot lately about heading off to
University. No job I enjoy, no MCM, no trainee journalism, few friends.
No clue. No plan. I can still go to University this year if I apply by
the end of June. Obviously, I have to weigh things up and sort things
out, but i cant face another year like this. I want to have something.
I want to have a clue where i'm heading, I want to see a goal, I want
to be busy, not sitting at home infront of the idiot box, moaning
because of work. It's a massive decision, but this for me is the last
time I can make it happen. If i was to go next year I'll have turned 21
by then, a full 3 years ahead of people I start with. By then i'll have
grown roots into Norwich, with whatever place I happen to be living at,
bills, jobs and so on. At the moment I can stop that going ahead, and
if i think its right for me, I've got to. I just dont know what to do
with myself...
Peace.
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